I just I just I just dont remember what where we talking about!!

Honestly i don't know where my head has been at lately i cant seem to keep my mind on 1 thing for to long i don't know if it is the fear of becoming a mother or the fact that my once OK bank account is dwindled down to a scary place that i said i would ever have again.. How come life chugs? I would really like to know 1 minute you are fine going along and then it tops itself with either the greatest thing or the what the @#$% just happened like i had a job then i didn't anymore for 9 months i was so low i honestly felt the dirt. then i get a job but it is the job from hell just to be fair i went in with my eyes wide opened then i got pregnant and had to stop working because it was starting to effect my health(baby first and all). now i feel  so confused about the whole situation that is my life i fair i don't know what i will do.  I want so much but i have only a little... Only there is no time for worrying my little man is coming very soon and i have to deal however that works.All though i do sort of feel like that something is keeping me from failing miserably cant put my finger on it but really... i just i just i just i just don't remember what where we talking about?       PEACE 

whats wrong with people today???

I really feel like i have to write this down cause i am truly blown away...... I live on your run of the mill street that has many spaces to park and because its Sunday there are no space so i had toi park in one of the lots on the street. Now i park there all the time and so do many other people who live here. So tell me why there was broken corona bottles on the ground like i live in a dumpster. Its pissing me off to the point that i want to go to the other people that p[ark there that there is a problem with our situation Our parking situation that is... what a messed up weekend man maybe i am just griping but with the fact that the people in my area DON'T know how to drive and the parking situation today i just want to like scream or something..... Lately people have been really shady and i cant figure none of this shit out.... Sometime its just is like what the fuck is going on with people theses days!!

35 yr old cook single who will soon have a baby who's an Intuitive Baller!

Well i know i have not written in a while but some crazy changes have happened and truth be told i have been getting my mind right..... I also know that i dont have much direction on this blog general concerns more than anything else a bitch page a online diary and i want it to stop today..... I am certain with the things going on i can pick a subject elaborate stay on subject and go from there....So my top[ic} will be what my life is write now   " 35 yr old cook and single that will soon have a baby???

Ya know its real funny where life can take you one minute your just doing your thing and the next minute everything you know think and love will change in a millisecond good and bad.... I am pleased to say that after giving up on the thought of having children that i have finally concieved  with the most unlikely of people one of my best friends and even though i know that we will never be together in that sence that we made what is sure to be a beeutiful human being seems perfect almost.... 

I mean i would love to have someone in my life right now and have a child but i think this is a reasonable second to Ozzie and Harriet. Up until now relationships and me don't go together i think i go after the wrong guys unavailable emotionally to wrapped up in themselves to give a damn about what anybody else is going threw namely you... no one needs selfish people around them that's why i believe that my situation is optimal someone to talk shit with and hang around with who you can tell almost everything that wont judge you and loves you no matter what without where have you been we need to talk heavy happy one minute miserable the next hassle that many of my relationships have been....\

So life is changing i feel that i have waited as long as i can and found out enough about myself to proceed to the next level family.... Time to start my own... I have partied and loved and cried and wondered learned i have lost i have found i have grown up... it's time... and i am pretty happy about it. right now i truly believe that life has endless possibility's and i really would love to see who and what is next.

(2/2) phone.... ;-) bare with me! And what the hell does that mean anyway! Bare Bear.. Why does one work and not the other no wonder the english lang.is tough

(1/2) I am t3rying something new i dont really like the direction of this blog. So im gonna try something different while using this great link from my

Mountain V. Molehill

I am feeling a surge of creativity that i honestly haven't had in awhile ..... I kind of missed it.i have a project in mind i kinda want to make a mosaic hmm! Life right now has become quite strained. I feel like i am fighting for a position which i already have and am not budging on. My friend is still staying with me and i has become a bit complicated... Nothing i cant handle of course just complicated. I kind of feel his presence has thrown off my house's chi a bit which is good and bad i guess... I really like his company but 24/7 is even a bit much for me, its putting a strain on my life in other ways. I don't have any personal space or free time and for a creative nut like myself it is really hard( That's what she said)...hahaha. I am not the most affectionate person in the world  and i know this fact, i don't try to hide or act a different way so when i am around affectionate or better overly affectionate people i tend to be uncomfortable and to be uncomfortable in your own space is really rough... There are so many pieces in my life that i truly believe that it is like the makings of a mosaic already so this project seems like a great place to start and i need make something out of it,  maybe a cherry blossom they are truly a beautiful tree to see and the smell is amazing ..maybe in  sea glass......

Go big or go home homie

I am seriously feeling like i have changed somehow, I mean everything is everything but everything feels new How can something be and not be?....

Strange I like it, but change.

I recently let a good friend of mine stay with me until he gets back on his feet. We are alike in alot of ways and i am pretty sure thats why we are friends. He loves to be somewhere new never really enjoying his own company, Always on the move. He just had a pretty bad breakup and a new baby girl all in the last 2 years ooh and moved from the east coast to the mid west  and back to the east coast.....Damn.. I know im not a open spaces kind of girl i love the city the movement the scape's of tower metal and glass.. alive, dirty, real.

I bring this up because i really have grown in the past month have finally found A JOB and after 8 months and the stress. I came out the other side knowing exactly what i want how i want it what it should kind of look like. So uncertainty and doubt no longer dwell in my mind i know and like who i am take me or leave me go big or go home... I truly belive that with experience anything is possible. Age work life....Everything.

Well the balance has shifted with my new vister and i do love him but nothing short of a can do will do attitude is not acceptable. He also dropped on my feet straight  3 day notice. all im tring to say that beacuse there is a age difference between us i can with experience say that i have done somethings and my expertise right now is experienced so coming out the other side does and will happen you just have to learn to  weather the storm and focus on the task at hand....

In short Work Good without the right resources too much time will do nothing but put added stress on an already otherwise good situation. I mean i could of taking a cruise going to mexico, california, arizona... But alas i did not have the funds to support those options So ye of little faith patience is truly a virtue to serenity!!

Check point!

I just heard the most honest line i ever heard and i quote"Do you ever have the feeling that everyone is having more fun than you?" " Cause They Are."....... Excuse me?

 I have thought about this and its true i seem to be the biggest wet blanket there is Right?I never thought of it like that i always thought that I was having fun sort of! I mean i just recently realized that i never give everything i got i always seem to stop short i mean complete stop Stopping before telling you how i really feel cause i think ill hurt your feelings... What?.. Why am i thinking of your feelings clearly you just pissed me off.... I mean what's that all about anyway right?. Since i just heard the most honest thing i ever heard. I want to give more let the world see who i am and where i come from whos's my kin...:) and whos's my foe.:(

Why Not.. I recently have been thinking on being completely honest with myself everything and everyone in every aspect of my life... I just feel like i have been lying to myself and the world for sometime now And it has been Bullshit I have been full of shit It is a complete brain fuck to write this down .

  It was really Auto Pilot through life it hasn't been roses ya know I was holding everything back never knew how to ask Fo more please SIR.. May I have Some mOre.. I would hold nothing back... Oh what a tangled web we weave stuff!! To tell you the truth(ha ha) It kinda of works.. I mean what in the hell do i care as long as i don't hurt you im not talking cutting you down not brutal more educated honesty.. Or better informed honesty I understand that i will say anything and everything on my mind about a said situation barring cruel spiteful jealously driven little white lie honesty  for every action, reaction get it it is what it is and thats all it is ? It seems way more complicated in words.

   Also i want to have more fun and i figure what ever the reason for the stopping short cant be as bad  as  it already has been... and life is just getting shorter and shorter and when your primary thought becomes what death would be like its time for a change.... Let's just say i hit a checkpoint today!! I want to care But im not getting any hits so thats done now So i dedicate the song "No ones loves me, Neither do i" By favorite band at the moment them crooked vultures...them crooked vultures...  I have given you the keys to the kingdom of truth what you do with them is strictly up too you i have made my choice..I get it, Point Taken! What are you gonna do?

Better Late Then Never or BLTN for short!

Well Kids i did it i got a job. Get this it's at a place i used to work at. I am pretty happy about it so i will say that staying tuned will not only keep up to date but it also makes you a pretty chill person to read thru all my overanalyzed blog....(I thank you in advance for reading)... I know i have been a bit random in my post i just figure if it doesn't sound like me then it don't sound like me ya know(senorita random, thats me)..

        OOOOOOOH HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010!!!         

I am there fore making my declaration to whoever is reading that i pledge to write at least 1 blog a week for the remainder of 2010.... OR at least im gonna try. I also plan on having a direction for said blog also. I figure when you clean the skeletons out of that dusty closet and live your true self there has bound to be something to talk about. I mean shit i did just get a job after 8 bloody months without 1... I don't know why im holding my tongue SHEEIT!*roll's her neck and sucks her teeth*.. But i did..








 It was hard and dare i say Im starting to feel alittle better about my financial situation.. Im getting to cooler and cooler places and taking pictures seems to be my latest obsession i'm just glad that its not another bad relationship. Life in general is looking pretty damn good I think i will close with thatoooooh yea and i'm well on way to finally losing the excess baggages im down 25 pounds and i really like myself right now and it really couldn't be going smoother(This is where you mark my words)) Its cool That's the story and i'm sticking to it..Later!